My Story
Sat on the floor of my bedroom in my meditation space, I stared out the window at the trees and could hear the birds chirruping away in the early morning sunshine.
I should be happy – I have rebuilt my life. I’ve left the prison of corporate life and the ‘system’, retrained and built my own business helping people. I get to be outside in nature every day and go walking in the forest (something I’ve loved since childhood). I get to live my life my way and run my business my way – with soul wisdom at the centre. I’ve come out of my spiritual closet, created a membership with awesome women in whom I love working with. I’m living a life of meaning, purpose and walking my talk, working with emotions and soul-hearted leadership.
But I'm not happy. My business is stagnant and all I can feel is the constant financial pressure threatening to force me back into corporate; the prison.
I knew on a soul level that I was on the right path and doing the right thing, but my business wasn’t growing and so I was doubting myself; my human self. I thought it was because I wasn’t ‘good enough’, ‘clever enough’ ‘big enough’. I thought I was too small to make a difference.
I even posted the Dalai Lama quote repeatedly “If you think you’re too small to make a difference, think about when you share your bed with a mosquito.” But I did feel too small, and I didn’t feel I was making a difference.
The inspiring vision I had of a vibrant earth with everyone equal and reverence restored for each other and Mother Earth. A vision where people are no longer stressed, overwhelmed and burnt out.
So vivid that it cracks my heart open and becomes the fiery fuel of my soul, driving my every move. But it wasn’t happening. Nothing was shifting. I felt like I was failing. The stories I was telling myself, based on unseen bullshit, ego and fear, were creating my reality.
Unknowingly, I was allowing deep rooted imposter syndrome to run my entire life.
My business wasn’t growing because I didn’t accept myself as I was, I was in my own cage still fighting with myself inside. I couldn’t see it for what it really was – crippling imposter syndrome influencing my every thought and action, fighting against the very fire of my soul.
In my meditations, I would journey to meet Goddess Isis at the pool of serenity for guidance. Always arriving on horseback clad in armour, sword in hand and a shield over my back, protecting me from any potential attack. Repeatedly she would say to me, “The battle is done, dearest one. Put down your shields and your weapons, the battle is done.” I would take it all off and swim in that calming, crystal clear pool and I would feel like me again. Beginning to feel truth and strength return. But then I’d visit again and was still wearing that armour and shield.
Why couldn’t I put this shit down and just get on with it?! I was so frustrated!
I knew it meant doing the deeper work and not reaching for the wine on a Friday night to repress the raging inner conflict into an illusion of peace.
I was doing all the things though – meditating, journaling, affirmations, showing up on social media, networking, yoga, reading motivational personal development stuff. And I didn’t get why what I believed in so deeply, wasn’t working. I felt trapped and suffocated, just like I had back in corporate. I’d recreated the same prison, albeit with trees and flowers!
I wanted to feel free again, not financially trapped and like I was having to adhere to a set of rules I thought were a load of crap, attached to the old patriarchal paradigm.
Then came the big face-palming light bulb moment of my entire life! I finally realised I was ready to become the leader of my own life. Ready to choose my own path. To choose ME. That I didn’t need to keep responding to events in my life. I could choose and create them. But first, I had to get to know myself. All of me. When my landlord phoned to tell me he was selling the home I’d known for eight years, I stood up from my shabby sofa and I decided, NO MORE.
No more responding to events. I wanted to be the leader of my life. I choose. I decide. No more second guessing myself. No more unconscious choosing in order to please.
I had a choice then. I decided to become the peaceful leader of my life, full of self-worth and being of service without burning out. Full of certainty, freedom and peace. And not feeling selfish, guilty or shameful for wanting more. For wanting to do things differently.
The moment I chose me, everything shifted. So, when my landlord phoned again a month later to say he’d decided not to sell after all, I chose to become a digital nomad and full-time cat sitter anyway.
I felt the invitation to break free of my self-imposed prison and the illusion of safety found in bricks and mortar and find it within myself. A true call to adventure! I took ownership of it, despite the well-intentioned concerns from my family. I had no idea then, it was the imposter syndrome I was beginning to heal.
When I was diagnosed with stage II melanoma a few months later, I had to go soul deep. My life depended on it. Behind it all was the imposter, wearing so many different disguises it was impossible to see without the help of my coach, mentor and soul team.
Cancer taught me to get deeply comfortable in my own skin. I journeyed into the abyss, fearful but curious too. I was learning to create the foundational level of self-acceptance I didn’t even know I needed. I was learning to feel totally safe.
I believed I just needed the ‘right’ strategy, the ‘right’ audience, the ‘right’ solution. I didn’t - I already had that.
I needed me – all of me, not just the parts I liked or had accepted.
Most people have no idea of who they are and what they’re capable of. They’re hiding behind stories and illusions of safety. Keeping their inner imposter at bay. But creating a maddening prison for themselves.
If you know it’s time that you took charge of your life and your destiny and you know you have to claim who you really are so that you can create the sacred vision of the world you know you’re here for, let’s get to work. We can start by helping you deeply reconnect with yourself and understand who you really are and what you came here to do.